what does it mean to be a man?

viewed one way, one could say that a boy becomes a man by undergoing
coming of age rituals that society deems necessary. traditionally, we
recognize this in many ways: religiously (bar mitzvahs or confirmations
for jews and christians), legally (age of majority), educationally
(graduation from school), sexually (losing one's virginity*) and a whole host
of other ways.

these are, of course, completely useless when speaking of individuals,
and that's what i want to talk about here.



i have a great fondness for coming of age stories: one of my all-time
favorite movies is stand by me, and not just b/c it happens to have a
kick-ass soundtrack. it speaks of friendship and the transition from
innocence to experience--or if you prefer, from boyhood to manhood. and
while maybe the four aren't men at the end of the story, they're no longer
really boys anymore, are they?

as i look around, i see a lot of folks who may legally be men, who may
chronologically or physiologically be men, but they're nothing but
little boys transplanted into bigger bodies, and really, it all comes down
to one word: responsibility.

responsibility is the trait of being accountable for what you do and
say, at its most basic level. but we all understand responsibility in
that way--i won't insult your intelligence by droning on and on about it.
no, what i want to talk about is the ramifications of responsibility,
because there are a few:

what you say
the things you say make up half of what people know about you. and i
regularly see people who physiologically or chronologically might be
called men but ultimately fail to be men. this bothers me, and it should
bother you, too.

i'm talking about being man enough to say "i was wrong: i screwed up
and i will fix this" when you've been or done wrong. infallibility,
despite what the vatican says, is simply not possible for humans. we're all
of us flawed and therefore, we all make mistakes: of inattention, of
ignorance, of just plain being wrong, whatever. so if you find yourself
in such a position, own up to it.

i'm talking about being man enough to say "i feel this way" about
things that matter. don't let society or culture tell you that it isn't
"manly" to talk about the things that matter. be man enough to lay it on
the line. be man enough to see a person hurts and give that person some
compassion. it costs you nothing, and you might need that yourself some
day. be man enough to say that you don't care how it makes you look: if
you can't be true to yourself, you can't be true to anything.

i'm talking about being man enough to say "my mistakes are mine, not
yours". don't try to hang your screw-ups on someone else, least of all
the people you claim to care about. it doesn't matter if someone provoked
you, or if something pissed you off: you and only you have
responsibility for what comes out of your pie-hole. don't make excuses--"o, i was
drunk", "o, i was tired"--that doesn't wash. you know it doesn't. don't
try to make it sound like you believe it for a nanosecond because we
don't believe and deep down, neither do you.

that's what i mean about taking responsibility for what you say.
anything less is the province of little boys. don't be a little boy.

what you do
the things you do make up the other half of what people know about you.
again, i regularly see people who i would expect to act like men
behaving like little boys. and that doesn't just bother me: it pisses me
off. and it should piss you off, too, because it's easy to say things:
it's usually harder to do them.

i'm talking about being man enough to confront your fears. don't be
afraid to see the doctor because you're afraid the doc is gonna tell you
[x]. you don't know what the doc is gonna tell you. of course you don't:
you aren't a doctor. and even if you are, you know that self-diagnosis
is impossible. so go see the doctor. get off your butt and go. people
in your life need you not to be hospitalized because you ignored
something when you knew something was wrong. because if you do, you've just
let fear steal your manhood, and will continue to let it rob from you
every time you make excuses. conquer fear. that is being responsible for
what you do.

i'm talking about being man enough not to put things off that matter.
are you happy with your job? no? then go and find a new one, or make the
current one better. there's hundreds of jobs out there. you might not
have found it yet, sure--hell, i know i haven't. but it's there and
it's waiting for you. have you been putting off taking care of things
around the house? close the browser and do it now. all this will still be
here. have you put off doing something nice for that special person in
your life, or your kids? then why the hell are you wasting your time
reading this? go and make the arrangements now. that is being responsible
for what you do.

i'm talking about being man enough to not to need to control
everything. is there someone you're sharing your life with? wife, girlfriend,
fiancée? hell, significant other, boyfriend? do you spend your evenings
doing things that you want to do, or doing things that you both want to
do? think real hard about that: maybe that person in your life doesn't
want to tell you what she wants to do because you always say no. is that
you? if so, i say to you: be man enough to say, "look, let's do what
you want to do: whatever you want. maybe i haven't wanted to before but
it's time we do what you want to do". and for the love of pete: don't
make it a one-time thing. that is being responsible for what you do.

and that's what i mean by taking responsibility for what you do.
anything less is the province of little boys. don't be a little boy.

in closing
take responsibility for the things you say and do. these are how people
know who you are. everything you say or do is an indelible part of who
you are.

ladies: if you're going to print this out or send the link to someone
you think needs to see it--and i invite you to do so--tell 'em to
register. i will knock some damned sense into him and i know i can rely on
quite a few of the others to do the same.

men: what say you, men? can the ladies--or men, for that matter--count
on you to knock some sense into the little boys out there masquerading
as men? cuz i've got a cluebat here just waiting. how about you?



so: think i'm completely full of it? am i making sense? tell me: i'm
man enough to take it.

ed

*losing one's virginity is of course is the coming of age ritual that
means the very least. how did such a meaningless thing come to take on
such importance? the mind boggles.